I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.