[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
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*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!