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My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Why is this me 😫
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?