I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.