*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
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some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”