Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
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I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Well well well…
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse