Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Okay, I’m still confused…
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups