Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…