Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
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No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.