Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
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If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
That’s amazing.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.