ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
You Might Also Like
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges