Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
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No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
What
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him