I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
can’t catch a break
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
need him
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.