[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
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[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”