I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’