No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
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Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*jingles half the way*