Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
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*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Risking my life for fun.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I cannot stop laughing at this
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner