i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
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Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
he chose this
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
that’s really how it is
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.