[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?