so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Bruh PLEASE
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green