“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
You Might Also Like
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
If I ignore life will it go away?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.