Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
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[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”