Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
me and my fake scenarios
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”