[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
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Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*