Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
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If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*