BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
You Might Also Like
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.