[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
This is painfully accurate 😅
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.