What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
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I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk