It was worth a shot 😂
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Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
*updates tinder bio*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU