I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
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my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked