ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
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Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Ken is short for chicken
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA