My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
🐕🍷
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door