everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Somebody call the cops.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
When you’ve simply given up.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.