Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
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Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics