[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
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Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*mops up wine with cat*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.