I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.