Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
You Might Also Like
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home