I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
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I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.