My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
You Might Also Like
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
You can’t rush stupid.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans