Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
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ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.