Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
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me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I need a headline like this
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.