Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
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People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
is this a warning or an offer?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I have questions??