[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
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Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
*Seductively hides in the woods
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Breaking news:
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
kevin is now a local weatherman
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*