but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
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[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
January has been Januweary
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.