[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
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The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”