Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
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Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I am never leaving this website
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.