Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
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[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.