I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
the battle rages on
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…