every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower