My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what